Wine and dinner place setting for one person.

Written by Denise Banks-Wilson

Denise is a Certified Divorce Mediator, Certified Divorce Coach, Online Dispute Resolution Specialist and Co-parent Coach. She holds memberships in several national and international mediation organizations.
February 9, 2021

Valentine’s Day Survivor

I once dated a guy who referred to Valentine’s Day as a conspiracy between a certain greeting card company and the floral industry. I chuckled at the thought, but what he said really did make sense. According to the National Retail Federation’s Valentine’s Day Consumer Spending Survey conducted by Prosper Insights and Analytics, 54.8 percent of consumers will celebrate Valentine’s Day, spending an average of $146.84 on flowers, jewelry, candy, apparel and more, up from $142.31 last year. Total spending is expected to reach $19.7 billion.

It Isn’t Easy

Facing VDay with no Cupid of your very own? #beentheredonethat Hated it and then, survived it! After my divorce, I had to purge my playlist of any music sounding even the slightest bit romantic or sultry and resign myself to an endless loop of news and talk radio. Anything to escape my brain’s preoccupation with Cupid and all his “doings”. The first year wasn’t easy, but by the time my second Valentine’s Day rolled around, I had a plan. Here are my suggestions for the VDay survivor in all of us:

Power in the Plan

  • Remind yourself that Valentine’s Day will be here and gone with the blink of an eye and resist the urge to make this 24 hour period a referendum on whether or not you’ll ever find love again. After all, it’s just a Day. Twenty-four hours. One thousand four hundred and forty minutes. With just a little effort, I found it possible to view the Day as a “blip on the radar screen.” In fact, the hardest part of Valentine’s Day was where to hide from the sugar cookies and heart-shaped chocolates that were calling my name. That a leading retailer’s valentine merchandise was on prominent display on Christmas eve is, for me, proof positive of how fleeting the holiday can be.
  • Spend some time… replay the tape. With brutal honesty about my relationship, I gained a deeper appreciate for that fact that it was in my past. I learned to stop romanticizing the relationship I’d lost. I knew (with the help of a therapist) I had to get honest about what my marriage was – the good, the bad and the ugly. Doing this involved playing back the tape of our relationship repeatedly… but, this time, without a love song soundtrack playing in the background. It was like watching television with the volume off. Only then, was I able to see the discrepancy between what my marriage was and what I wanted to believe. Without the music, I realized that it really didn’t look anything like the type of marriage I wanted or the one I’d choose again, given the chance.
  • Hold on to your love songs as a soundtrack to the relationship you want in your future and “throw out” the notion that this marriage was the last time you’ll ever hear them. I refused to throw out the baby with the bathwater. I learned it was possible to throw out the pain and lack of fulfillment I’d bathed in for the final years of my marriage yet hold on to my expectations for a loving marriage and supportive spouse. To quote my girlfriend Diedre, There’s nothing wrong with the institution of marriage… it’s the people. I came to accept that marriage had ended, but not my ability to be loved, respected and cared for by someone.

Love in Over-looked Places

  • Find and harness the other love and lovers in your life. I decided to use Valentine’s Day (and, Sweetest Day) as an opportunity to consume the other healthy loving relationships in my life. I have a BFF in Chicago who has really taught me about lifelong love and enduring friendship. Tracy never misses an opportunity to send a little card or note through the mail – even when a simple text would be so much more convenient. Getting a Valentine’s Day card from her was no substitute for the romance missing in my life, but they sure made me feel loved. They make me feel thought of, cared for. For those with children, you are but one fistful of wilted dandelions and a sticky chocolate kiss away from what Valentine’s Day should really be about. Love that is warm, fuzzy, genuinely and unquestionably yours.

Candy-Coated Inferiority Complex

  • Get the hell off PINTEREST, unless you’re planning a party or really, truly hoping to create that one-of-a-kind gift. For me, Pinterest – the place of candy coated, glitter-glued romantic lighting made from hula-hoops and strings of icicle Christmas lights – only led to sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy. I loved Pinterest for inspiring my creative juices, but as the holiday approached, I found myself in the wee hours of the morning, wondering aimlessly across the gazillion Valentine’s Day boards created by people who had both time – and, possibly a date, when I had neither.

Hang in there and know that it all gets better with time. Give time, time.

You might also like…

Unscheduled Parenting Time

Unscheduled Parenting Time

Co-Parent Lifeline - Your questions, answered. Question: My stepson’s mother phoned my husband asking if she could take their son for a family outing on her birthday – which just happened to fall on our weekend. Based on the schedule spelled out in their parenting...

read more
A Blended Family: The Best Wedding Present Ever

A Blended Family: The Best Wedding Present Ever

Read Original Publication at 5 Tips for helping your blended family become the wedding gift that keeps on giving. When I divorced the first time, I had a five-year-old daughter and 3-year-old son.  I remarried seven years later and became...

read more